Impermanence
by norearviewmirrors
Summary: Elena and Stefan falling apart and together during the night of 3x20 when Alaric is about to die, and the goodbyes that have to be said, then after that at the school with Stefan. Elena ponders the impermanence of life. Please Review and tell me what you think. Rated K for sadness


"Impermanence" she thought to herself, thinking about the short lives the people around her lived. Thinking about how everyone lived, and died, and parts of people will always live and then die. A tear falling from her eyes, trying to accept it.

She stood there in the tomb, watching Alaric as he accepted his fate to die. She couldn't bear looking at him, as she thought of all the times he had tried to keep her safe: her first day back at school, dealing with the new Stefan, consoling her about her feelings towards Damon when she told him the truth as they sat together in the Salvatore cellar. He never judged her, only loved her, though she led a dangerous life, he not once told her she was careless, or told her she had to be stronger, instead, he constantly told her how strong she was, and how proud he was of her.

Elena bowed her head slightly, not wanting to watch as he hugged Jeremy, her brother begging him not to offer up a "you're the man of the house now" speech, begging him to fight for it, because he needed to be around for them. Alaric didn't fight it; he loved them, and knew that the Gilbert kids would go to the ends of the earth to save each other. When they tore apart, Elena studied her brother, the way his face looked the same as the night Caroline found Vicki Donovan's body, the way he was hanging on the lack of words spoken between his sister and himself, neither one of them brave enough to console the other. Jeremy looked at them both one more time, turned, and stumbled away, Elena watched, she could almost see the outline of the heavy world that rested on his shoulders, and it hurt her.

Alaric turned around, thanking Elena for everything, because he believed in her, because he loved her. In his eyes, she could see traces of the fear that Ric had tried so hard to supress, and the similarities between his face, and the way Jenna looked at the sacrifice was to much, and it scared her heart, and shook her soul. She wished for the first and last time of her life that she could become a vampire, if only for a day, if only for that specific day, or the days that the pain in her heart threatened to tear her at the seams. For these were the days she wished she could turn it off. But on her second thought off of that, she thought of Stefan, and his courageous yet painful attempt at turning his humanity back on, and felt oddly ashamed of herself that she had even thought about that so cavalierly, and as she lifted her head, she softened her eyes as she came to realize that no matter what she thought, or felt, it always came back to Stefan.

"This is all my fault" she began, "You moved out, you gave me your ring back, you didn't want any part of this and I, I forced you to stay and take care of us." The guilt that suddenly overcame her was almost paralyzing, all the people that had hurt him in his attempt to protect her, Isobel, John, even Damon at one time. There was so much sadness in his heart, "don't do that, okay. Taking care of you and Jeremy has been…has been the closest I've ever come to the life I always wanted." He was wanted to say so much more, to thank her for the life he gave her, but neither of them could handle that, and they both knew it in their hearts

Elena hung onto every word he was saying, to her, this was the goodbye she never got to the chance to say, to her parents, to Jon, to Jenna. She wanted to drop, to fall into the man that stood before her, who had always loved her like a daughter of his own. "You should go" he mumbled quietly, not wanting to prolong the pain for Elena. He could read it in her heart that this was the strongest she could be tonight, and he wouldn't push her.

As they walked to the edge of the Salvatore tomb, they saw their family, everyone, standing before them, watching, and waiting with heavy hearts; each of them holding a candle. They had all come into a life that left them with someone or someone(s) to grieve. Some of them having a special part of their hearts where grief would permanently reside, because the fact was, you can only cut someone in the same spot so many times before the spot stops healing, whether or not you're a vampire, because it stays with you.

Elena could feel the walls she put up in her mind fall apart. It was as if it was that moment at 2am, when you can feel yourself falling apart, but it's okay, because it's so late, and you're so alone in your thoughts, that it can be the most personal and private fallout, and in the morning, when you get up, and see the people you have been so strong for, you are able to continue to be strong for them, because you've had your time to make peace with what has happened.

Elena could feel the part of her that promised to be strong for everyone -wrapped around her heart like a rope- start to frail at the ends, becoming weak and tethered. She was scared as tired, and burnt out.

Ric didn't follow her as she approached her family, not looking anyone straight in the eye, but looking at the ground as her tears fell like raindrops. But the heaviness of her heart weighed down her body, and she found her legs start to give out. All eyes were focused on Ric, and she didn't need anyone taking care of her right now, so she lifted her hand and touched a tree next to her, trying to make it seem as though she was doing it absent mindedly, and when she thought no one was paying attention, she placed a little bit more weight on the tree than she normally would have, needing that shred of support.

Elena kept walking straight, not wanting to stop at the tree, not wanting to stop at all. No one's eyes fell on her as she did this, she thought she saw Caroline glance her way briefly, but they were like sisters, and Caroline could read Elena as easily as she could count to three. But the blink from Caroline was not what worried Elena, it was the look Stefan had given her, from the corner of his eye, as he studied her movements, like he was trying to identify any physical damage, and then settled on the realization that it was the emotional and spiritual damage that was the problem. As bad as he wanted to rush to her and carry her home, he knew she didn't want it. He had known her as she grieved so many people, and knew the stages her grief came in, and knew the first stage was independence.

These seconds passed like hours, and Elena looked up through her flooded lashes as she kept walking, the tree leaving her fingertips. She found herself walking toward both Salvatore's who stood before her. Damon was stiff and even as Elena approached, not his eyes, nor his body language changed in the slightest, but Stefan's had. He relaxed his shoulders, and pulled his hands out of his pockets, and at the same time he softened his gaze. His eyes no longer showed just sadness, now, it held a small trace of acceptance, which Elena had needed. As she approached them, not stopping once between the tomb and them, but the stretch seeming like a journey, she drifted slightly to her right, eyes down again, and moved to Stefan's side before she turned around to say her final –and silent- goodbye.

She knew Damon hadn't missed it, but she didn't care, she needed to be with someone compassionate, she held such a great amount of pain in her heart that she needed someone to help her get through it. Damon, as much as he cared for her, never held her the way that Stefan had, where he protected her from the outside threats, but never the internal ones.

Alaric made eye contact with all those that stood before him, wordlessly apologizing for the pain that would follow tonight, and silently asking them to take care of each other. After he was done, he bowed his head, stared at the ground, tears beginning to fall, turned, and walked back into the tomb. Everyone just stood there for what seemed like hours but what were actually only a couple minutes, and then Damon pulled out a bottle, and went to sit somewhere alone to drink it, and Meredith followed behind him. Elena was grateful for Matt, who left with Jeremy, and Tyler who wrapped his arm around Caroline's back as she rested her head on his shoulder and cried as they walked away, Bonnie walking behind them. It was just Stefan and Elena left, both still staring at the place where Alaric had been standing, both hanging on memories that would have left them hollow had they not had each other to lean on.

Elena slowly moved her hand to Stefan's, and delicately interlocked her fingers between the spaces between his so gently it was as if his hand was a bomb and touched the wrong way, would explode. For the first two or three seconds, Stefan's had remained flat, his fingers still pointed to the ground, and Elena could practically feel the battle going on inside him.. But after that split moment, Elena suddenly felt something magnificent, his fingers, curled up, and their hands were intertwined. She didn't want to speak, because she couldn't find the words, she knew what she had to do. She squeezed her fingers against the back of his hand as her tears turned into sobs that she did her best to make as quiet as possible, and she pulled him towards his car.

She let go once they got to it, her sobs turning back into stray tears. She got in on her own and Stefan did the same, once they both buckled up, Elena stared ahead- "school" she whispered, and Stefan looked at her in confusion, ready to ask her why, about to beg her to let him take her home and make it okay, but the look in her eyes was so full of courage, and bravery, that he couldn't argue with her, at the end of the day, he would ALWAYS respect her choices and decisions, because he loved her.

When they pulled up at the school, Elena looked into her lap, as she felt courage drain her. Stefan stepped out of her seat, walked around his car, opened the door, and studied his beautiful warrior, "when you're ready, we have all night." he gently whispered. Elena nodded, knowing it had to be around midnight now, she had time, but she didn't want to stretch this out, so she undid her seatbelt. Stefan offered his hand, and she took it, stepping out of the vehicle. They got to the school entrance, and as Elena looked around, making sure no one was around; Stefan twisted the lock until it broke, and held the door open for Elena, who walked through it, still looking around. Elena stood in the doorway, briefly reminded that Ric would never walk the halls of Mystic High, never cheer for the Timberwolves, or call her into his classes when she was on spare to talk to her about their many problems varying between Jeremy's previous bad behaviour, and Klaus.

Suddenly, Elena felt courage rush through her, "it has to be done" she told herself. Stefan watched her as she suddenly started speed walking to Alaric's classroom, pulling a spare key out of her purse as she approached the door. She kept two keys on her keychain "for emergencies" as Ric had phrased it. She walked in, Stefan following a few seconds behind, giving her space. She took the key beside it, and unlocked his vampire-hunting weapons closet, bending down and picking up a bag, and bringing it to his desk, clearing out the closet. When she was almost finished, Stefan stepped in. Elena ignored the tears that began to spill out, and dropped her last handful of weapons into the bag.

"We can handle this later you know." He murmured

"No, I'd rather get it over with now before some janitor comes to clean out Alaric's stuff and realizes the history teacher was a vampire slayer" she replied, staring into the closet.

"Elena. Hey, Elena, please" he whispered, and the way he said her name was as if it was the thing he had been put on the earth to do.

"I can't Stefan, okay? I can't think about the fact that Jeremy and I don't have anyone to take care of us anymore or that we've lost another friend, I just, I can't think about any of it." She was almost yelling through her tears, not because she was mad, but because she was tired, and scared, and he understood that. He took her hand, and rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand, she suddenly felt his hand touch the bloodied bandage on her palm, and began to pull her hand away, an apology half way out of her mouth already before Stefan shushed her, and assured her it was all okay.

"I want you to come with me" he said quietly.

"I'm not done" she lied, looking guiltily towards the empty closet, just not wanting to admit that another guardian had died, not wanting to let go.

"Hey, please." He gave her the look that assured her that this was she needed after such a horrid night. Once she nodded, he guided to the gym which was still decorated, and beautiful in its red and black décor, music still playing from a small radio in the corner of the room. Stefan had quickly turned it on while Elena headed for Ric's classroom.

Stefan motioned Elena into him, bringing them into a dancing position. They spoke about the last time they were in the gym together, and the tragedy that they had overcame. Stefan made a comment about Elena being the hope, and the light that guided him to try his best to turn his humanity back on no matter the pain.

Elena cracked a smile, and then it all washed over her, she let her walls come down so quickly, that all the emotions of the night flooded hard and quick over her. It was grief, and fear, and sadness in its purest form. It was overwhelming, and she dropped her head onto his shoulder. Stefan's arms wrapped tighter around her waist so they were practically hugging. The tears fell like a waterfall, but she managed to hold back her sobs. She stumbled on words for a bit, and then calmed herself down as best as possible, took a deep breath and pushed herself back a bit so she was looking at Stefan.

"I don't have any one anymore." She whispered, thoughts scrambling through her head.

"You have me." Stefan replied and it was all Elena needed to hear right then. She just needed him, and there he was, confirming that she had him, as much as she needed. Knowing he would do anything for her, and has. They swayed together that night, Elena falling apart and falling together countless times, and Stefan just holding her, getting her through it.


End file.
